it either comes back
or it doesn't
I am an agenda
I write this piece
I mind the dogs
watching the wind
pulse through the grass
I can almost see the pixels
I close my eyes
my story still embraces me
it keeps coming back
or it doesn't
the little red piece of glass
or my foot
my right foot
as I sit beneath the tree
by the motherwort
things return
or they pass
I am an agenda
I write this piece
I mind the dogs
Watching the wind
pulse through the grass
on the hillside across the way
I almost see the pixels
I close my eyes and I'm still inside my story. Themes return like the piece of red glass I found on the lake shore. I was looking for blue glass or, hopefully, pink like Derek's art nouveau glass ashtray. Derek owed me forty quid. We were both poor. He didn't pay so I stole through his window and took his ashtray with its cool pink glass lady. Then I lost it.
Thirty years later I'm looking among the pebbles for an echo of this mythic glass on Cherry Beach and I found a little piece of red: well, I walked past and registered a purpleness and went back two, three steps to find this polished shard of red glass and pocket it with the green and the blue, but when I got home it was gone.
Ah, the things I've lost: the small spherical Brighton beach stone that rattled, that's gone. And the loves, and a life,
The other day I had a flash, an insight into some underpinning of the world and went to for notebook and a pen, and it was gone, like the bit of glass. And though the next time I walked that shore I found two pieces of red glass - different thicknesses, different hues - the insight still eludes.
Back in the downtown quarry, I sat beneath a tree in the soon long grass,
by motherwort weed, and worked at not to forget this verse. I rehearsed
these words:
I am an agenda
I write this piece
I mind the dogs
watching the wind in the grass on the hillside I can almost see the pixels
I sit under a tree
the birds cackle overhead
I overlook a ditch where the muskrat corpse dries: the dogs slew it three
weeks ago: they caught it out in the meadow, a few feet behind me, at
dusk. The redwing blackbirds in the tree above me - does their "twee-wit"
caution "dogs"? I lie back to watch the birds overhead in the
tree. If I close my eyes I'm still in my story.
The beagle tugs. I sit up. My glasses. Where are my glasses! For three
minutes they're gone, minutes of near panic. My glasses must be in hand's
reach. "Beagle, damn you, sit!" The little red piece of glass,
it either comes back, or it doesn't. The themes of our life are constantly
in the woof. Three long minutes searching through the grass with eyes
and fingers, and all along it was there just by my foot, my right foot.
I sigh, and. I close my eyes. Will the river return?
Two days ago, across the quarry, on the hillside I sat with the dogs. A jogger came down the steep incline and Lucky barked. (Lucky is not the beagle. He's a cattledog.) I stood hastily. We all regarded one another. The jogger jogged on down the steep slope and Lucky went and nipped his heels. (He's a blue healer. That's what he does.) So now I'll watch the dogs more closely, as I should watch my mind.
At the end of that walk, an hour on, I looked for my glasses and found them gone. It was late and the light was fading. I'd look in the morning, and in the morning I walked right to them, my glasses. And the next day, beneath this tree, my three minutes bereft of them again. Grass stalks and stems, can they really blend so with the struts of my specs?
And two days further on, my birthday, walking the dogs to a new found secret meadow, for a moment I didn't mind my mind, and the beagle caught a scent and went, dragging us half a mile through bush and swamp, escarpments; Lucky bloodied in our crawl through fence.
Am I still in my
story?
Sitting here beneath this tree
I watch the warp and weft
a web of themes
which vanish and return
like the glass
and the glasses.
I close my eyes.
I am an agenda.
These themes,
these things,
return or no,
and what sort of tree
will I find this to be
when I look it up
three days hence?
June 2nd and 4th, 2002.
